tuning in

So, I had this really long thoughtful blog post written yesterday and guess what? It’s gone! I obviously didn’t save it. Instead of being mad at myself which is what I want to do, I’m going to take it in stride and say it probably wasn’t even that good to begin with! I will also next time make sure that I save.

These past few days have been tough! I thought I was in my head before, now that’s the only place I want to be! I am able to focus on myself and I feel great! Laundry done! Dishes done! Dog walked! Car clean! All the little things that I ignored for myself are getting done! I am unstoppable!

ha, yea right! While I can focus inward and be intentional with what I want to do, holy shit everything else is a surprise and overwhelming. Tuning into what is actually happening is hard! Too many faces on zoom?! Overwhelming! Having to read and then process? Gimme space! I’m frustrated that I am having difficulty with tasks I was fine with before! Now I definitley wasn’t the best at it, but it could be done! At what point do I maybe just say “ha, this was a fun party trick! bye meds! Don’t need ya!” Or do I give it time and try to let things progress as they should. Maybe I continue to give myself grace and empathy and ask for what I need. Even if it makes me feel inadequate. Cause that’s not true. I can advocate all day for others to take care of themselves, but how do I take care of me? What do I need to be successful? 

Maybe that’s walking my dog first thing in the morning. Maybe that’s following my schedule and not deviating from it. I certainly have a flexibility to pivot my attention to whatever needs it. On meds however, doing that is frustrating and it takes a lot more emotional labor. Is that what I want?

I’m lucky to be surrounded by so many understanding people. Even though my outward actions may seem erratic and disorganized, I’m rebuilding schema in my head. It’s all a process. Gotta trust the process baybeeee!

First is discovering what works for me. The me that I want to be. Disorganization is hard for me to achieve, it’s also hard for me to process. I gotta put everything in its place before I can try to find it. It’s working! I made a specific place for my keys and things aren’t going missing! I wrote down the most elementary of tasks and they’re getting done! I’m now going to write a grocery list! No longer am I going to say, “Husband… what do we need from the store? Can you tell me?” Now, he will if I ask because that’s what I sometimes need, but I have to be comfortable trying things on my own. Even if they piss me off. 

tuning in

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