tuning in

So, I had this really long thoughtful blog post written yesterday and guess what? It’s gone! I obviously didn’t save it. Instead of being mad at myself which is what I want to do, I’m going to take it in stride and say it probably wasn’t even that good to begin with! I will also next time make sure that I save.

These past few days have been tough! I thought I was in my head before, now that’s the only place I want to be! I am able to focus on myself and I feel great! Laundry done! Dishes done! Dog walked! Car clean! All the little things that I ignored for myself are getting done! I am unstoppable!

ha, yea right! While I can focus inward and be intentional with what I want to do, holy shit everything else is a surprise and overwhelming. Tuning into what is actually happening is hard! Too many faces on zoom?! Overwhelming! Having to read and then process? Gimme space! I’m frustrated that I am having difficulty with tasks I was fine with before! Now I definitley wasn’t the best at it, but it could be done! At what point do I maybe just say “ha, this was a fun party trick! bye meds! Don’t need ya!” Or do I give it time and try to let things progress as they should. Maybe I continue to give myself grace and empathy and ask for what I need. Even if it makes me feel inadequate. Cause that’s not true. I can advocate all day for others to take care of themselves, but how do I take care of me? What do I need to be successful? 

Maybe that’s walking my dog first thing in the morning. Maybe that’s following my schedule and not deviating from it. I certainly have a flexibility to pivot my attention to whatever needs it. On meds however, doing that is frustrating and it takes a lot more emotional labor. Is that what I want?

I’m lucky to be surrounded by so many understanding people. Even though my outward actions may seem erratic and disorganized, I’m rebuilding schema in my head. It’s all a process. Gotta trust the process baybeeee!

First is discovering what works for me. The me that I want to be. Disorganization is hard for me to achieve, it’s also hard for me to process. I gotta put everything in its place before I can try to find it. It’s working! I made a specific place for my keys and things aren’t going missing! I wrote down the most elementary of tasks and they’re getting done! I’m now going to write a grocery list! No longer am I going to say, “Husband… what do we need from the store? Can you tell me?” Now, he will if I ask because that’s what I sometimes need, but I have to be comfortable trying things on my own. Even if they piss me off. 

tuning in

you have my attention

Blog post one! First one out of the gate! Here we go! I have ADHD. That’s what has brought us here today. Nothing like a worldwide PANDEMIC to help you focus on yourself and discover some things about your personality you didn’t want to FOCUS on. Now, I am well aware that some of you may be saying, “oh, here we go, he’s got something to say!” And yes, that is true, but what I am doing is learning how to focus my energy and efforts into a productive manner! Maybe instead of posting how I feel every minute of every day to the internet, maybe I slow down… reflect… wait… ponder… and channel it into something different.

Well, that’s why I started a blog! Part of my journey of reflection while tackling my ADHD is to unravel how my brain actually processes information. While I may have difficulty with executive function, I have developed some coping mechanisms that actually have been successful! For me, one of those strategies is writing. In high school I had a 500+ page online journal where I processed the ins and outs of my turbulent adolescent years! Writing allowed me to escape into my head and map out my interpersonal relationships and discover who I really am.

There’s nothing I wanted to do more than to get on instagram and just ramble about how I’m feeling right now. My thoughts are in a million different directions. I want to shout to the world how clear everything is for the first time!

The hardest part right now is adapting to the depression from my crisis of self. Imagine going your whole life thinking you have perfect vision. You pass all the tests and are known for having amazing eyes. You’re even on the cover of EYEBALL magazine! Until you put on glasses for the first time.

Meds are like glasses and I’m learning how to walk in my glasses. I’m struggling with being aware of my ADHD. On meds I can be focused when I need to and it feels great! Writing this is soothing and I just want to keep talking! My brain is shutting out distraction and letting me complete this task. When I stop this task, my eyes begin to track as if they are looking for something else. The front part of my brain, prob the prefrontal cortex, hurts, until I decide what I’m doing next. It doesn’t even have to be anything exciting! I couldn’t sleep last night, my eyes are twitching and my head hurt. I was spiraling between depression and anxiety and feeling lost. Once I thought about “putting on glasses,” my brain cleared and focused and I was able to sleep. Literally whispering to myself, “put on your glasses” calmed my mind and I was out! 

I’ve never been able to follow a calendar or planner or schedule because my brain does not understand how those work. I can’t read clocks. I don’t know how to process menus. Multi-step math problems?! Forget about it! Being on meds is revealing a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms. I am sad that things that have been secretly hard for me for so long are suddenly easy. Maybe I am inadequate. Maybe I am a BIG DUMB BABY!

But! I’m not. Part of ADHD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Even understanding and knowing about this disorder is tough on my sense of identity. I just have to recognize my negative self talk, accept that I am feeling that way, and remember that it’s not true.

Whew. I feel better! 

As I begin to manage and learn about my brain I am going to continue blogging. I have always wanted to write and share my perspective, but it always felt vain and narcissistic, why would anyone want to hear what I have to say!?! Well, it never was for other people. I do it for me. This is what I need to function. I just don’t mind if you take a look. 

you have my attention

Day One

So, today on this fourth (I have no idea what day it is) day of January, I have decided to launch a cute little website to show off all the fun stuff I’ve been doing. Maybe I’ll also blog about my feelings! Not likely. 

Using Format